I Heard the Bells...

And away it goes. This long, trying, desperate, joyful, amazing semester is finished. In a matter of hours I will hop into my bed, sleep one more sleep at Cranely, and point the nose toward home to spend quality time with my family. It seems strange to think about the sweltering August night when I first came to Cranley unsure of if I could make it at a new school, and etc. I was terrified and overwhelmed. I can hardly recognize that girl who sat eating her cheetos and biting her nails in fear. I'm finishing up with delight. If you had told me that life could be so amazing, I could have hardly imagined it. I am almost afraid to write about it because I fear that it is a dream which will fade. But I don't think that it will. I am delighted because God is transforming me. I am happy because I realize that this is just a stop along the way. This little chapter, my life, is like the prologue to heaven. I live too much in the here and now, forgetting that I have what Mongane Wally Serote calls the imperishable quality of hope. I have hope that life amounts to more than what score I got on my Shakespeare final. Life amounts to the sum of the lessons that I learned about my Savior this semester. And those lessons wow me, take my breath away, and delight me. Life amounts to the joy that these lessons aren't the end and that each new day represents the hope that I will learn newer and deeper lessons. I am delighted by being alive. Thinking about this semester and anticipating Christmas (ten days!) the theme which has been playing through my head today is Bing Crosby singing about the bells on Christmas day. This is our imperishable hope. This is why we study, this is the beauty of the tears which fall, and this is the belief that it all is moving somewhere beautiful:

And in despair I bowed my head
“There is no peace on earth,” I said,
“For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.”

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
“God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail
With peace on earth, good will to men.”

I'm posting a few more pictures of life at the Cranley Casa. The first few are of my smallgroup bible study girls at our Christmas dinner. The paper is my version of the Mona Lisa... haha. The last are some special surprise flowers I received this morning. Happy Christmas!

Sharing the Sunshine

Hey there! Time is flying. Once again I'm fighting off writers block. I've been off of school for hours now, but I can't seem to bring myself to focus on this paper and write. It seems that I have a million thoughts and ideas, but I'm not exactly sure how to get them out. In the meantime though, I've gone Christmas shopping and made presents and now I feel quite festive as I listen to Karen Carpenter singing "Merry Christmas Darling." I can't quite believe that Christmas is two weeks away (YAY!) It feels more like I will always be right here doing what I am doing now. I guess this moment isn't all bad since I have homemade cocoa and a nice outline for my paper. I will overcome and in a short while we will chat again and I will be telling you how it wasn't all bad and how everything is lovely. Just so you know, it isn't all bad and everything IS pretty lovely. I'm sharing some pictures to show you the highlights from these past few days....

- - I made peppermint hot cocoa for my bible study girls. I think they look festive and it is delicious! I feel so domestic!
- - A friend and I snuck into fancy fancy hotel in downtown and rode the elevator to the top ballroom to look out over the pretty lights...
- - We also went to a ridiculously expensive restaurant and only ordered desert to celebrate her graduation. It was good times. We sat and watched couples come in on dates and tried to read their body language to see if the relationship would last. This is what comes from majoring in human nature...
- - Sunday night I went home and hung out at my brother's house to see their Christmas tree, eat cookies, and watch Christmas movies. It was delightful.

- - Overall this is delightful. Life is so good right now. I am amazed by how God takes care of me to make me smile, content, and fulfilled when I am in the middle of the desert he creates springs of water to satisfy me. I am a lucky one.

Flow Gently, Sweet Afton.

It's a dark Monday night. I am supposed to be writing a paper about religious transformation but I'm suffering a terrible case of writers block so I figure maybe this will help me? Last week I headed home to my parents for some MUCH-NEEDED relaxation. It was delightful to spend time with my family. The thing that I realized is that the rehumanization of Ann is no joke. I have taken the school process too seriously this semester and I have lost sight of the joy. So, now that finals are a week away I've decided to forget the studying... which is a laugh since there is no way that I could forget studying. But, I am determined to allow myself to enjoy life and the here and now. Why am I telling you this? Because you get to help me. Let's enjoy life together. Let's have a cup of coffee and talk about all the things we love. Let's go Christmas tree shopping together and bake Christmas cookies. Away with the sad, lonely existence. I am announcing my arrival. I am back, let's embrace this life together!
From here on out I am going to embrace the literal biscuits. Have I told you about biscuits? I apologize if I haven't! In Ezekiel there is a passage where he prays to die but instead of granting this wish, God sends him an angel with a biscuit who tells him "arise and eat for the journey is too long." All month long I have been searching for biscuits to encourage me on a journey too long for me to handle. Without fail, God has sent them. The journey is too long for me, but I am re-energized by little biscuits sent from heaven. My favorite song playing after an unfortunate and disappointing conversation. Christmas lights on the way home. Sunshine and pine-trees on a warm winter's day. Bread pudding baking in the oven. Soy Eggnog (betcha didn't even know they made that!) Unexpected deep conversations. Unexplainable hope and energy. These are my biscuits. They might seem funny or illogical to you, but to me, they make the difference between hope and despair. They represent those daily little messages from God that tell me I'm going to be ok, maybe even better than ok, because God has taken me and now whether I turn to the right or the left, I can hear his voice saying "this is the way, walk in it my beloved!"

True Freedom

It's COLD! Somewhere between yesterday when I left work, and this morning when I left for school, winter arrived, quietly slipping into my world to remind me that, yes, you have to wear a coat to school. I slept through my alarm this morning, scurried to get ready, realized I had no coffee in the house, rushed to class, felt like I had the flu and then watched District 9 with my classmates so then I felt like I had the flu even more: let's be honest, pulling fingernails off onscreen is just disturbing! By the time it was noon, I was feeling harried and sad. But then I walked out of class and and the brisk wind smelled like snow and I realized: I love this time of year! Why am I complaining??? I decided to forget about the plan I had made more my day so I sent to the grocery store on the way home from school to buy a bunch of apples and bake all afternoon. As I was walking into the store, the bell-ringer from the Salvation Army was singing Christmas carols with abandon and joy. Her mood put my mood into a better spirit and I almost danced through the grocery store anticipating a cozy afternoon of baking and listening to Christmas carols. When I got home I set to work peeling the colorful apples and making up my own recipe. Yes, Paula Deen and Julia Child would be so proud. Instead of following someone else's thoughts, I decided to make up my own. The result is marvelous and I have faith that though I may fail my classes this semester, I will be able to stand with all of the courage of my convictions behind me and say that I ate WELL this semester and I was happy. After this afternoon I feel human again. What a joy. Now, all I have to do is find some willing persons to help me finish the apple delight....

"I get a kick out of you..."

How about a bit more light-hearted post??? Tonight I'm feeling rather fine. I had a great day of accomplishment and studying which feels pretty sweet. Yesterday's sermon was about doing everything heartily as unto the Lord. That we don't necessarily have to be a pastor or a missionary to be living in God's will and spreading the gospel. So with that in mind, I wrote papers heartily as unto the Lord today. What a trip! : )

Now, I thought that tonight I'd share a few titches and tidbits with you all, my cyber family.
- - I have found myself laughing quite a bit recently over little things. Friday night my mom and I were packing boxes to send to underprivileged children all over the world. I wanted so badly to make my box beautiful to bless this little girl or boy but I could not, no matter how hard I tried, manage to wrap it neatly. The paper tore; it crinkled, and by the time I finished the box looked more like a jumpled mess of crumpled, taped, tissue paper, than the beautiful masterpiece I'd seen in my mind's eye. I had to laugh at my total lack artistic ability. Maybe my box will make it's way to a kindred spirit who will understand the jumbled mass...
- - Sunday my parent's and siblings came over for a little Sunday dinner. I was so excited to get to be entertaining and so I decided to make these delicious chocolate chip cookies. It was a great idea, make my house smell like cookies and all, but somehow it just didn't quite work again. I didn't have the right ingredients so I improvised and though they tasted good, there was a little sparkle missing from them... I had to laugh at the little brown blobs... Julia Child says you have to have the courage of your convictions when you cook but I have courage of my conviction coming out my ears so perhaps I should start developing my grocery list...
- - Saturday afternoon a close friend of mine came to spend the day with me. It was a picture perfect afternoon of laughing until we cried and running around the Nelson like a couple of giddy middle schoolers. Some friends you can just click with even after months of absence. Saturday was an afternoon of clicking. The weather was perfect, the breeze was whispering, the sun was shining. We tiptoed through the mummies and the Monets and the Cezannes and then we ran laughing through the green grass letting out the energy which we had suppressed in the museum. We walked through the plaza with our coffee admiring the water in Brush Creek and watching the wind whip flags from far away places: Spain, Ivory Coast, Japan... I had to laugh. Here we are, two girls from Kansas and Nebraska, spending a precious afternoon away from reality laughing over tiny things. It was a moment of total joy.
EDIT:: Check out the girl with photography skills who just happens to be my sister and who just happened to be cool enough to document this moment... artandelephants.blogspot.com
- - I could certainly keep going. I have discovered laughter is the stuff which makes this dark reality so much brighter. I laugh at everything now. I laugh when my car breaks down and there isn't money in my bank account. I laugh because I know that these things are a part of something bigger and deeper and it makes me excited because isn't that what we're all longing for? To go deeper, bigger, longer, into meaning and truth and beauty? Even when we laugh to keep from crying, or when we cry even as we're laughing, we all long for that depth and that is why we persevere.

Hope

A vortex of school and work and life has seemed to suck up all free reflection time that I have had this semester. Oh well... Here I am now, there is a brief free moment in my life and I have this tremendous urge to share what I've been reading with the world around me so I suppose this medium will have to do... I'm in the process of doing research right now for a paper on the reconstruction of South Africa. I'm writing about the roll which art had in the reconciliation and expression of individual experiences. I love this topic because art is something that I am so passionate about. And just so that we're clear, by art I mean paintings, music, poetry, drama, lots of different forms. Today I sat under a tree, by a lake, on campus reading "Come and Hope With Me." It blew me away with its incredible dignity and beauty and I was overcome with the sense that "yes! this is what I love! This is what I want to communicate with the world!" So congratulations you, you have the privilege of hearing some of the most beautiful words around tonight!

Come and Hope With Me, by Mongane Wally Serote.

come
i need you when i dream
when i hope
when i fight
come, i need you

we must you and i
when history repeats itself
we must return
to dream and hope and fight
for the best for all of us
that is why we are here
come and hope with me oh child
come

we must you and i when history repeats itself
we must return
to dream
to hope
to fight
for the beauty of human life is that we came here to think
and to plan
and to see the future
and to know and to drink and to eat and to have a home

come
when it is lonely
when they have frightened me
when with their noises and footsteps
with their trucks and horses
when they have come for you and for me
and the stars are a witness
and the moon is a witness
and the sun is a witness
when history repeats itself

come
come and be with me
come and hope and dream with me
come my friend and be with me
come let's repeat history together

when history repeats itself
let's deliver humanness to the knowledge of human beings
come
and hope and dream with me
when we prepare for war for peace
come and fight in your heart
come with truth
come with knowledge for life
come and be with me


I know this is a really long quote, but I can't bring myself to cut any of it out. The imagery of sharing passion between the human spirit, the communion of dedication between individuals, it is beautiful. This is why art is important in reconciliation! This poem is a cry from one heart to another. It transcends logic to create human connection and meaning in the midst of destruction and despair. It is beautiful.

"Dancing in the Minefields"

Slowly but surely I am falling back in love with school. Today I walked through campus as a brisk fall breeze rustled through the trees and the bell in the campanile rang out the tones as the football team protracted up for their season opener on Saturday. I drank a Pumpkin Spice Latte while catching up with an old friend. I sat in the Dusty Book Shelf reading cookbooks while rain poured down around me. I read about South Africa for hours on end. I am falling in love. Not in the way that you might imagine though. I am falling in love with a life where I spend countless hours reflecting, where I learn what true eloquence means, where I find out that beauty is everywhere: a cool breeze, and unexpected smile, a warm cup of coffee, the first fall squash. When I left Colorado and GSP I imagined that I would not find God's hand here in Kansas where I am surrounded by man-made spectacles which blare about man's greed and selfishness, not God's wonder and love. But this is the beauty of God isn't it? God shows us love in all the little things. I am falling in love with this experience of Lawrence, but who created this experience? Who brought the rain and the cool breeze? Who put the smile on my face? Who filled me with amusement and satisfaction when I should have been lonely? The second quote that I am sharing with you tonight is from a paper on South African life in the 1950s. Imagine removing the words South Africa from it and it could just as easily apply to Kansas. When I walk through campus I see a desperate cacophony of fear and loneliness and I wonder: "how do you reach out, especially when I hear my own voice joining the others?" For now the answer seems simple: "Let heaven fill your heart." I was reminded this afternoon of an old hymn and I'll close by sharing it with you...

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in his wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of his glory and grace."

"There's no such tune as a black tune,
There's no such tune as a white tune,
There's only music, brother,
And it's the music we're going to sing,
Where the rainbow ends."
- - Richard Rive

"It became a matter of the greatest surprise to us to realize that some of these people were leading appallingly empty lives, even in the midst of plenty, and perhaps because of this undeserved plenty, they were desperately impoverished; their lives had reached such a point of incoherence and fatuity that listening to their conversation was like listening to a cacophony of voices echoing other empty voices. We had thought their lives immensely beautiful, imagining them to be enriched by adequately filled libraries, to be enthused by numerous glittering concerts and plays we could not enjoy; what we had not imagined was that the majority of these people had no way of dealing with the variety of cultural events which came their way, because they had neither a tradition nor personal courage which could enable them to come to terms with the best theatre of our times. . . in no time we learned what we had not suspected, that many white South Africans, despite their wealth and privilege, envied us the township for what they supposed to be its vivid colour, its extravagant, if precarious, life. We on the other hand, had envied them the white suburb for what we considered its discipline and control, its sense of orderliness and thrift. This was the supremest irony of South African life."
- - Nkosi

New Direction

Little did you know when you happened upon "adventures of a jayhawk" that this was going to be more than your average, run-of-the-mill blog. You see friends, I am an English Lit major. The thing about being an English major is that you read thousands of pages a semester and you take on thoughts, ideas, images, ideals... which would never have crossed your mind in ordinary day to day life. The beauty of this is that you experience LIFE as others live it. The darker side to this, is that you are exposed to many, many sad ways of life and there is little or nothing you can do about it. I'm speaking most specifically about my South African Fiction, Politics, and Culture class. We read works by authors who have experienced indescribable nightmares and who have chosen to share those nightmares with the rest of us who are sharing their world. The horror that any humans could push down any other group of humans so violently, so cruelly, is almost unbelievable to this Suburban American, and yet, it is still going on and we choose to turn the other way... Ok, so my excitement has put me up on a soap box and I've just preached at you. My apologies. All of this little soliloquy leads to my point. In order to make sense of what I've read and experienced and in an effort to improve my grades(!) I am choosing to share my experiences with literature with you. Prepare yourself. What we read is real, heart-breaking, LIFE. It is not pretty, but it is true and if we are willing, it can change us.

Well Here we Are

I said that I was finished blogging, but apparently it's a little addictive and also, I'm sitting here in my beautiful room feeling more than a little bit lonely and sad so I've decided to just accept my fate as a random blogger and write to you. It is my first day in a new surrounding. Exactly a week ago I was traveling home from Colorado and exactly a week before that I was hanging out with all of my GSP family. Now tell me that your brain would be reeling a little bit if this didn't happen to you. I have to preface this by saying that I am loving my room, my house, the city of Lawrence, and of course, the University of Kansas. It will be nice to be a Jayhawk, and as a bonus, it only takes eight minutes to get from my house to the parking lot at Memorial Stadium. Now THAT'S fast. Still, I'm feeling just a bit homesick, and even more than that, kind of like "now what?" I haven't had an ounce of spare time in over two months and here I sit with free time coming out my ears. I don't like it. I don't like it one little bit. But I'm not going to dwell on that. Tomorrow begins a new day and this adventure promises to be an exciting one. Let's go for it!

Ann