I have intentionally NOT been blogging these past weeks because I have not know what to say. My life has been overtaken by turmoil, whirling thoughts, secret dreams, unsureness, deep hope, profound uncertainty; at the same time both joy/excitement for the future and absolute unsureness for what is coming. The only constant in my life these days is change. I have lived in a glorious period of not making decisions these past months but now it seems that miles of decisions are stretching out in front of me. Where to from here? What do I want to be when I grow up? What does it mean to follow Jesus in a job? Should I stay close to home or strike out in faith? What role does fear play in this? How do I turn the nebulous concepts which I study into reality and goals and visions? What does it mean to trust Jesus with the future while at the same time trying to be responsible with the gifts and talents and resources which he has given me? These and thousands of other questions play in one long anthem through my mind as I study, play, work, and live. The truth being that I don't know the answers.
Wisdom is around though, and there's a lovely lady named Elisabeth Elliot whose words have been giving so much hope as I wrestle with how to approach the future. With a broad brush she paints the image of me walking hand in hand with Jesus in humble obedience to his call on my life. Right now, that call is school. It's showing up with my homework done, it's making his presence a tangible reality through latte art, it is saying "yes" to the job or person who my heart secretly wants to say "no" to, it's responding with "yes" when I can and responding in trust when I don't know what else to do. My heart is not exactly overjoyed by this. I long so badly to know what the future holds. I want to have the five-step plan. But I don't. I probably won't. I don't know what to do, but I know who does and he has asked me to trust him. Can I do anything else by respond in "Yes" and "amen?"
So while I'm responding in yes and amen, I have been making a list of the joyful little happenings in my life:
-mustaches on valentines day.
-bells in the campanile which sounds the Sound of Music
-a campus with old trees that can be sat under Winnie the Pooh style
-a house where sunshine pours through bedroom windows during nap time
-picnics in the park in February
-the world's greatest smallgroup, whose hearts are desperate for the love of Jesus
-enemies who become your friends
-basketball teams that win
-creating the perfect foam for a latte
-sunshine and blueberry scones on Saturday mornings
-studies which inspire me to search for Jesus
-books that make me stop and ponder
-seeing circumstances interwoven with lessons of faith
-hope that this is all leading somewhere
-lakes frozen over so that you can walk on them
-building snowmen on said lakes
-climbing trees
-laughing until it hurts
-sweatshirts and flannel on cold days
-getting homework done through what feels like a miracle
-long coffee chats with old friends
-long ambling walks to listen to the stillness of a winter sunset
-the ability to pray and know your prayers are answered
-and on and on and on.
Unfortunately homework calls and I should answer. Thank you for reading!
